As I reflect on the content now as a black gay man, no longer a boy, I realize realness was a common thread in all of the creators and content I was consuming. Most of the black gay men who had YouTube channels expressed countless times that their goal was to transform their YouTube popularity into stardom that meant television networks and shows, hosting gigs, and mainstream attention: realness. They were not satisfied with the independent or niche market they were dominating, but instead desired “real” celebrity and power which meant mainstream attention and access.
Upon looking at various statistics on the HIV epidemic, the most striking realization was the percentage of those living with HIV, yet unaware of their status. In 2013, half of all youth and emerging adults aged 13-24 living with HIV, didn’t know they had HIV.
It’s National Youth HIV & AIDS Awareness Day (NYHAAD). A national day devoted to telling you to be safe and how to be safe from HIV. Another day of folks holding you accountable and responsible for your own safety as a young Black gay man. Safety? Days like today must seem cosmically absurd and certainly hypocritical to have older people tell you how to be safe when they fail you on a daily on so very many fronts. When those who deign to scold, rebuke, and judge, if only implicitly through days like today, are consistently unwilling or unable to pass the laws and policies that can save, protect, and enrich your life, you have every right to ask why this protection matters more than other paths of protection.
Partnership has never come naturally to me; the idea or the lifestyle of it. When I feel the most at peace is when I am alone. When life makes the most sense to me is when I can reflect on it in solitude. Billie Holiday sings in her blues song “Solitude”: “In my solitude, you haunt me with memories of days gone by.” This, I suspect, is one of the reasons people can find themselves attempting to escape quietude. In this space, ideas and memories both pleasant and traumatic are able to flood the mind.